I looked for the setting on word press because right now I need to cuss like a sailor. However, try as I might I could not find the setting for 18 or older so this rant will be ….tame.
I can’t get into the whole weekend but lets just say Saturday afternoon was full of love, cuddling, and I love youse. He then rented some movies and introduced me to a new app called “trivia crack”. It was a lot of fun. He sat on one side of the couch I sat on the opposite challenging each other and laughing about it. He’d occasionally stare at me and then suddenly smile “I truly love you.” He’d whisper. I’d laugh at him, he’d laugh back. The movie we rented was a bomb, which made it all the much more fun to play against each other on the app. But I knew something was wrong. I knew…
The night before I went off on him and told him I knew he was cheating on me. Of course the fight broke ensued to where I eventually had to lock myself in the bathroom and curl up on a ball and cry while sitting on the counter. I stayed there until he could calm down. His cuss words and anger could flare like a fire cracker. We fought for hours. He tried convincing me I was crazy, didn’t know what I was talking about. Why would he be there if he didn’t love me and why would he give up everything in his family for a fling on the side. These are words I have heard before, in fact he’s the one man I kept in my life even when I had found out about his past affairs with me.
What? Did you hear me right….You heard it right. I can’t go through the whole kitten caboodle but lets just say I left, there was apology, and I love you, I won’t do it again.. etc. Every bone in my body stated to leave him but my mother, whom also though I should leave him, stated one thing. “Just make sure you still don’t love him. Never leave a man you still love.”…well….crockodile!
The second time I kicked his wahoo to the curb. Then we went to counseling. He stated it was due to the drinking and he would go get help. I was still madly in love with this guy. He was sooo good, so good to me…and yet sooo bad, so bad for me. It was like a sadiomasticistic sort of love.
Ah, you can say that maybe I was one of those women that just can’t leave a man who’s cheated on her….You’d be wrong.
You see I left my first husband so fast when I found out he was cheating on me his head spinned…and I think the poor guy’s head is still spinning…
That’s what attracted me to my second husband. I was single for five years. Never in a rush to settle down from the hurt of my first marriage. That’s when I meet him. He had been married also, and had divorced his wife for cheating on him. In fact he’d caught them in bed together. In fact he took pictures of them together to show the court. We had vowed that we would love each other and would promise if we even thought about cheating we would tell the other or at least end the relationship. Respect for someone you truly love.
…but he cheated…the lying….bat
So, I knew…I always know. I just needed to know I was right. I needed to know I had to let go and truly stop loving a man that had done a 90 degree turn in his life. In fact that’s how he convinced me. The past drunk had stopped drinking completely…not even a drop. He had gone to counseling with me again, new counselor. He would attend church with me or watch my church in tV. He did it without complain, he did it without judgement. He called me everyday, left messages of “I love you” every morning. He’d wrap his arms around me and snuggle his face against the top of my head. Telling me how good I smelled, how he missed me each day. I could go on and on…and on. It was almost to the point he was drowning me. So, yes he put doubts in my mind.
But I knew…I knew but I just couldn’t get myself to leave him without knowing I was right. I could not trust myself to break my own heart and wonder for the rest of my life if he had truly changed for me. The day before Friday, while he was away I was desperate and took what ideas I could scrounge up. I sprinkled salt ….everywhere. I swear I covered myself with rosemary…and ate some for good measure. I slept for two nights with black obsideon…and prayed constantly for God to help me. those two nights I had nightmares every night. I just knew….
So Saturday night as I was cuddled into the sofa pillows and thinking…but I know I’m right…he’s lying. I remember getting up and coming back to the couch. I looked at him and he looked back. “I love you” he stated again “you do love me right?” I sat down thinking I did…but inside I could feel the hate boiling inside. I let out a growl, but I ignored it and cuddled back into the sofa. “Are you sure?” He asked. “Your growling like you either angry or you want to eat me.” He blinked almost worried. “Oh,” I say “I’m just hungry..” I lied…I lied. It’s very hard for me to lie. As we go back to playing the game I suddenly receive a test from a number I do not know.
Text: “I am sorry but I just want you to know I’m done with him, you can have him”.
*blink, blink* I keep staring at the text…
Now the canis lupus in me really wants to attack….but I take a breath. My husband sinces something “what are you doing over there? ” “Just trying to figure this question out.” I state …only half a lie because at the same time I keep playing the app game.
I Text back : “Who is this”
*blink…blink….blink” I keep staring at the screen….and nothing…..nothing. I wait because I can feel it. I can feel the vibe from the screen. This woman on the other line is pissed….and scared.
*blink, play game, blink, play game* I keep waiting. Dag Nab IT, I’m gonna have to pull her out of the wood works.
I text again: “Falker is this you?” The woman is probably surprised I even know it’s her. She’ll have to answer. If it’s not a girl named Falker she’s likely to get even more pissed.
Text comes back to me: “Yes, my name is Danna. Your husband and I have been having an affair for over a year now. I wanted to let you know it’s over with now and you can have him and to apologize to you.”
I glance at my husband whom puckers up his lips and makes a kiss to me. “I’m beating you on this game” he says happily since I had beat him the last three games. I smile sweetly back inside I die. I have to breath to keep my hands from shaking. I am between ecstatic for God to give me the answer in black and while right in my lap, and horrified that after everything….everything…OH GOD!
so….so I’m writing this more for myself then for anybody. I’m embarrassed that I let a man actually cheat that many times on me. I’m horrified that a man I loved (past tense) would want to hurt someone like that. To all the cheaters out there. I promise you there’s swinger couples out there. Stay single, or find a man or woman who swings. Why, Why would you, how could you…be so selfish.
So I told my husband not to call me. I told him he could text…and how I’m having to get a lawyer. I might have to lose the house and my possessions again…but there just objects. I cleaned out our bed room and moved all his stuff in another room. He should be happy I didn’t set them on fire out in the front yard. I’m….ok. I am…alright. I hurt.
It really didn’t hit me until I took his bath towel which was still slightly damp to go wash it…and get rid of any smell of him. But instead I nuzzled by face into the damp down, breathed in his scent, and cried…and cried….
…but tomorrow will be a better day.